somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
People in love make me want to vomit
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize