As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
