your parents love me but you hate me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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