my phone needs a breathalizer
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize