when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
