her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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