She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
