Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
