what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize