Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize