cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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