i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
