I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
