someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
