What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
