I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
be right there i have to get my cape
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
