So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
