I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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