I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
