So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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