Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
