I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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