It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
