I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
be right there i have to get my cape
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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