i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
