If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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