I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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