just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
