Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
