i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
