dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
