Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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