I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
