i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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