I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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