Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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