he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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