just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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