im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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