I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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