I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You can't special order awesome
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
