somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
it glows. i had to have it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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