I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
as a side note pls kill me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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