Got a toothbrush?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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