just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
