It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
