Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
