I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
