I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
