When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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