so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
