I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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