so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
