Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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