You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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