Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
