Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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