im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
